Stuck in the middle of the desert… Drinking.

Lemme set the scene for you: Today is my sisters birthday. She is 24 years old and ready to party!

The past two years she’s been planning this birthday trip to Vegas. So much happy and excitement. We packed, we cleaned the house, we left notes for Curious George so he can take care of business while we are away.

On the road!! We were making good time, singing songs, laughing and talking about everything. Things are good. Life is great. Get ready Vegas, here we come!!

Then, about 30 miles outside of Holbrook we end up in a loooonnnggg line of traffic. Single lane.

The car is stopped for 15 minutes. Gotta turn off the car. We get pissy, my sister and her friend start getting snarky. Everyone in the car has to suddenly pee really bad!!! It’s 94 degrees outside. Cloudless with a slight breeze.

Time goes by, we get out and walk around. Sit back in the car. Bitch a little. Consider going offroading in a ford fusion just to go the other direction. The girls get out to talk to the truckers. I sit inside the hot shade of the car like the good vampire I am.

Apparently there are three semi trucks that crashed and rolled over in the middle of the one lane construction zone here about 25 miles outside of Holbrook on i40. Nobody is going anywhere. Cleanup crew is on its way but it will be a few hours before they get here.

On the plus side – I get excellent coverage here.

So what else is three bored young women in their 20’s supposed to do in the middle of the desert with nothing to do?

You betcha! My sisters friend went into the trunk and brought out a huge bottle of wine.

“Let’s get drunk in the middle of nowhere!” Says them.

“Let’s make this into an adventure!” Says I. (Since I’m driving I am not going drink, but will watch as they get plastered in the back seat.)

Only problem: no cork pulley outy thingy.

Fuck balls.

-swooshing cape noise –


Never fear! There are truck drivers near!! It took one truck driver and a nice man from the minivan in front of us with a spare cork pulley outy thingy, but the cork is out and the girls have made use of empty Starbucks espresso bottles as wine glasses.


It’s hot as hell, the wind has died down and it feels even hotter than before. But the girls are getting toasted and celebrating her birthday in the back of a hot car in the middle of the desert.

As long as we have good memories on my sister’s birthday – all is well. We’ll get to Vegas eventually.

Life is good.


Rantfest 2013 – Just in time for my birthday!

I’m probably going to curse in this blog. A lot. You have been warned.

Note: It’s not that I don’t know other words to adequately express my feelings and emotions. I have a very nice, well-rounded, and vast vocabulary…its just that curse words make my soul happy and I don’t feel like punching someone after I use them. Simply put – I curse and rant to relieve stress.

Who doesn’t?

Second Note: I’m going to be a whiny bitch in this rant. It’s my blog. I can do so if I choose.

So anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion at my ripe old age of 25 (about to be 26 tomorrow) – THAT I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN UP DRINKING YEARS AGO.


I need some kind of vice to help explain the insanity that comes from a whopping case of pissed off and rampant frustration…but as of right now – I have nothing.

I even gave up smoking. The worst thing I do is smoke a very rare cigarette with my mom while we are chatting in her backyard, buy music on iTunes when I know we don’t have the money for it, and buy chocolate I know I shouldn’t be eating.

Scratch that last one. There is no reason for me NOT to eat chocolate.

So this week has been a cluster-fuck of issues. One after another. I have had a few happy moments, but it seems like year 2013 is not going to be the year where my dreams come true, the landscaping gets done, my novel gets finished, the cat changes his attitude and we become the best of friends, etc etc.

I have a list of shit I made years ago, and it keeps getting longer each year.

I won’t even bother going into detail about why everything has been so chaotic. I’ve even tried reasoning everything out as rationally as I am capable of – but FUCK – nothing seems to be falling into place no matter how hard I try.

I think the worst moment of 2013 came to me as I was furiously cutting down tree branches off the Junipers in the backyard yesterday afternoon. I really feel like I have wasted the greater portion of my young life. I haven’t done anything epically awesome, I haven’t really accomplished anything (Not really true – I AM graduating college in May), I have spent the better portion of my early teen years through now just trying to maintain a level of normal that is socially acceptable to everyone else.

I am going to be 26 fucking years old tomorrow and everything I promised myself the day I turned 25 would happen – NOPE, I haven’t accomplished a single. Fucking. One.

Talk about a bad day.


If I was a drinker, I would be knee deep in bottles of cheap wine, expensive bar snacks and possibly a harmonica. (I don’t even know how to play the harmonica but I think my mood would warrant me warbling out a few recognizable tunes on it.) I would almost certainly be one of those giggly-yet-still-depressed drunks. Only I would hope that I would look cool while being that level of schmammered – not like those hot-ass-messes you see roaming from bar to bar in a desperate attempt to assuage some kind of angst.

But alas, the plans for my birthday are as follows. I’m going to get up and clean the house that I probably won’t get around to deep spring-cleaning today since I’m doing the laundry. I’m going to have breakfast and probably go bag up the leaves Curious George raked for me the other day in the front yard. I’ll get that done and contemplate whether I feel up to cutting the rest of the branches that need to be cut in the back yard from the fucking Juniper trees that I have been wanting to get rid of for the last three years.


After that its shower and get ready to go pick up my mother in laws truck that she’s letting me borrow so that I can make several trips to the dump. I’m hauling carpet, all the raked up yard stuff, I have to take the plastics I’ve been saving to the recycle, and a few other things that can’t be recycled or thrown away.

When I come home I bet I’m going to smell fantastic. Another shower will probably be in order.

At that point Curious George will probably be home. He hasn’t been feeling well so its going to be another night of soup I think.

I just thought of something! Other than a very few family members and a couple of friends, no one probably knows its my birthday.


Yup. I don’t have a Facebook account. Shocking right?


Geez, I’m fuckin’ cranky today.

Maybe I should stop making lists of stuff I would like to accomplish in life. That shit never gets done. It’s when I’m bored that everything I need to get done – gets done.

Maybe I psychologically tricked myself into doing everything else EXCEPT what I need to do. How messed up is that? Or maybe I’m just freaking out because I am that much closer to an age I still think shouldn’t be old enough to make adult decisions. I mean seriously, 40 is the new 21, so technically I’m still in pampers.

Ok. Laundry needs to be switched and I’m done bitchin’. I really have no reason to complain. Life is good. Not the way I want it completely, but that just means I have to work harder.

It’s gonna take a lot of boredom to get everything accomplished in 2013.


This tickled me something fierce.

Happy Hump Day ya’ll. Can you do me a solid and have a birthday drink for me? I’d appreciate it.

Hugs, kisses and reach-arounds,


p.s. I told myself out loud that I didn’t give a shit about cursing in my blog and look what happened. Less cursing. Its psychological I tell you. Psycho-fucking-logical.