My sister’s cat is in heat – I have retreated to my office.

TheΒ  only thing that will save me now is if I barricade myself in my office and ignore the feline-in-heat sounds of “SOMEONE! ANYONE! PLEASE HUMP ME BARNYARD STYLE!!!”

It’s my sister’s little cat that is not fixed. My much older male cat has been fixed for years. All he can do now is hit it and then quit it – if you get my meaning. And he is so old that he can only do it like once or twice a day before he just climbs off her and walks away for a nap. Or hides under the bed. Or in my lap. He’s so desperate to get away from her.

I know he is successful at his chosen hiding place when she walks around the house meowing mournfully.

How like life.

My poor cat. She flaunts herself like the hussy she is. He politely declines and asks her to give him some space from her hormone crazed emotional ups and downs. She swats him in the face, purrs, then rolls over and flicks her tail in his face. He declines again. She gets angry. He finally gives her one last, “Sorry, toots, my nether bits aren’t working for you today.”

She comes back with:

I'll go cray cray on the couch if I don't get me some. I'll even blame you.

I’ll go cray cray on the couch if I don’t get me some. I’ll even blame you.

And she would. It’s kind of awesome.

So for today, I am locking myself in my office with my poor abused cat and writing another chapter in my novel. Maybe doing so more editing. Lets hope she doesn’t realize he is in here reading the latest from Sylvia Day, hiding under the covers on top of my chaise lounge. If she were to find out….

Cat Pounce

Shhhh…she might hear us.

 

xoxoxoxo,

Aurora

Gym humor

My sister and I go to the gym a few times a week. To get through our hour and a half we use gym humor. Little chants, if you will. Here are a couple of our favorites:

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And then we chant one I made up. It goes like this:

You can’t twerk it if you don’t work it!

I is genius. I know.

There is also one that goes

No squats no twats!

But I couldn’t find a picture for that one.

Xoxoxo,

Aurora “DERP Master 5000” Moncayo

Good morning sunshines!

I woke up at 4:30am and didn’t do a damn thing until about 6:30. I just laid in bed and tried really really hard to go back to sleep.

Nope, not even close. Once I’m up, that’s it – time to start the day. Doesn’t mean that I’ll actually accomplish anything, but it’s the internal intention that counts…right?

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Eventually, I rolled over to face my intrusive and slightly annoying wife, Siri, who was already up and shouting about things I had no interest in. Just to be that much more of a douche, she was flashing signs and posts telling me about everything I had missed in the last several hours while sleeping.

Email, junk mail, random phone call from my cousin, the attached voice mail from said cousin thanking me for allowing her to stay over and then wishing me lots of sex when my husband got home. (She’s always so thoughtful.) Some text messages from the weather people advising what I already knew – New Mexico wasn’t going to be getting any moisture any time soon, just bitterly cold weather. Alarm for my P90X workout that I was studiously ignoring since yesterday…only now it was coupled with another notification for the workout for today.

Gosh I’m popular.

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After weeding through the emails and messages and realizing that even today, I am insignificant unless I have wads of cash ready to spend on the nearest product – I opened my twitter and found a couple new followers. One I was instantly happy about, the other – not so much.

As many of you have experienced, any time you put yourself out on any social networking site, you are probably going to get at least one creeper. Today, I finally got a creeper. I don’t know whether to jump for joy or to change my picture to a four hundred pound woman with half her hair and no teeth. (No offense to four hundred pound women with half your hair and no teeth. I adore you.)

I clicked on the link to his twitter (I assume its a him), looked at his tweets and realized its just some douche trolling through different women’s profiles and telling them they are beautiful in broken English sentences.

Classy.

Great. Within half an hour, I was showing my husband and noticed the creepo had followed quite a few other ladies and gave them the same messages in that time. Most of the ladies are from middle eastern countries and are in various states of undress. No big deal – just some dude looking for all the females he can find on the web.

Creeper mode and anti-douche device activated.

Then comes the question – do I block him since my twitter is for business stuff? Is he harmless? Obviously my twitter account shows my picture, is not private as it is for my business, and has my pen name on it.

After consulting my husband – who’s only response was, “Holy crap babe, you can show boobies on the Twitter?!?” – I got online and blocked him. I’m trying to prevent this from happening:

Image xoxox, The Creepo

It wasn’t until I started writing this blog that I noticed I had traffic this morning on my site. I put two and two together….very slowly…ah yes, if he had looked at my twitter he probably saw my website address for my blog. Excellent.

Oh well.

On a funnier note, I am mid way through writing this blog when my husband bursts through my office door and comes over to tickle me. Yes, I am twenty-five years old, been with the same man almost ten years – and he comes in to tickle me and tries very hard to distract me from whatever it is I am doing.

He’s very good at it.

I squealed, I laughed, I fought back, I threatened to maim him and nothing could distract him from being ridiculous. I guess he finally zeroed in on my hot cup of tea because just as quickly as the pestering started, it stopped. He starts drinking my tea and reading my unfinished blog, typing random letters here and there just to mess with me while I try to fix whatever he is doing. We are literally fighting over the laptop.

Isn’t he charming?

Eventually the shenanigans dies down and he puts the tea down and gives me my options (which I was waiting for. We go through this every time he wants attention.)

Him: Babe, you have two options. Let me see your boobies or give me kisses.

Me: hmmm…(calculating how much time I have before I need to finish my blog, shower and then get ready to go to breakfast with my grandmother)

Him (looking very pointedly at my sweater covered boobs. His hands are creeping up under my sweater so I know which option he is going for.)

Me (dragging this out just to mess with him): I have to finish my blog babe. You need to take the cat litter out and then shower so we can go to breakfast.

Him: Boobies or Kisses.

His hands have made it into my sweater now and around the area he wants to be in. Still messing with him I wait until he tears his eyes away from my chest and looks up into my eyes….and then pucker up my lips.

Ha! Oh his face….he looked so dejected. This was not the option he thought I was going to pick and his heartbroken expression immediately sent me into a hysterical laughing fit. His face…(or what I could see through the tears in my eyes from laughing so hard)…it looked a lot like this:

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Or it would have looked like that if he was a small Asian baby with boogers and tears rolling down his face.

<Had to take a break just now because he came in, took one look at the crying baby photo and instantly knew what I was typing. He made a, “Babe, really?” dejected face and then ran out of my office in a way that would make any drag queen proud. I start laughing again and chase after him. I had to push through the door to our bedroom and rush him and then fight for him to kiss me ‘cuz now he doesn’t want kisses or boobies. LMAO….this is a never ending back and forth game we’ve been playing for a long time now.>

Kisses or Boobies. Cake or death. Get nekkid now or get nekkid later. The options are endless.

He’s now pouting in our room, pretending to be upset with me while he watches the Science channel. Ten bucks says he cuddling with cat and whispering to him how mommy is so mean to him.

That bastard cat would probably agree with him.

You know what I have to do right? I’m going to have to take one for the team and undress completely and walk in front of him on the way to the master bathroom for my shower. Probably have to drop something on my way and bend over all sexy like to get his attention.

You can guess whats going to happen from there. There was only two options. πŸ˜‰